Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
