and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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