not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just high enough for therapy.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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