I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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