If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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