Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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