Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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