I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
