They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
