when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Randomize
