This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Still dying that you shit outside
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
