My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Randomize