It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
