I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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