she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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