you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
