3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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