I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
