why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize