no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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