Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
This baby is an asshole
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
