Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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