I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
