ya dads aren't the best wingmen
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
