If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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