Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
