Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize