New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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