If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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