she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
