how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
