There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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