there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
