At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
