I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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