I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
