Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
