Will you blow on my dice?
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
