so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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