I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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