Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
