just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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