Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
