Capitaan dildo arrescate!
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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