so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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