I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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