I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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