Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
They have beer where we have blood.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
