WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
