if i can run in heels then i can drive
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
