How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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