You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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