fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
