Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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