I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
