2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
