I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
