i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
