his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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